The Great Fairy Tale Debate
by Spindle Berry
Summary: Fairy Tale Godmother Lilia wants all little girls to read traditional, sexist fairy tales. What happens when she butts heads with another Godmother who wants the opposite?


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the fairy tales discussed; only the Fairy Tale Godmothers are my creation. 

**The Great Fairy Tale Debate**

Mother Lilia was very pleased with herself. She was pleased because she thought she had done her job well; he job being, of course, that of a Fairy Tale Godmother. Now, a Fairy Tale Godmother isn't the sort of godmother who helps a character _in_ a fairy tale, but one who helps the fairy tales _themselves. _And the thing that fairy tales need help with is getting read. 

Everyone knows that the stories small children read affect the way they look at the world. Everyone also knows that when story characters aren't being read about, they live in a place called Faratalia; there they stay until they find a place on someone's bookshelf. 

It is of paramount importance for a story character to find a place on someone's bookshelf, for this is how they receive love and attention from humans. And the only way to get onto someone's bookshelf is with the help of a Fairy Tale Godmother. 

Fairy Tale Godmothers, you know, are the people who decide which fairy tales will be read by children; every time a child is born, an industrious Godmother gathers up her favorite story characters and grants them the privilege of being read and loved by the child. Without this facilitation, a story cannot be read. And naturally, the Godmother's personal taste has a great deal of influence on her choices. 

Mother Lilia's latest job, the one on which she was congratulating herself, involved Hannah Josianne Krizinsky. Little Hannah had been born the day before, and thus it was high time for a Godmother to embellish her nursery with nourishing fairy tales. For this job, and all the other jobs she did, Lilia had summoned all of her favorite fairy tale characters. They were all here now, with the exception of Hansel and Gretel, who seemed to be late; perhaps they had gotten lost in the Deep Dark Forest again. Resolving not to wait for them (they were late to her gatherings quite often), Mother Lilia addressed her other favorites, who were all lined up neatly shoulder-to-shoulder and awaiting her instructions:

"Now, I expect you all to be your best for Hannah," she said as she strolled lightly in front of the assembled characters, hands linked behind her back. "Rapunzel," she said, turning briefly to the improbably-tressed princess who was the first in the line, "remember, no mention of premarital pregnancy! What would her parents think, especially in this day and age? And tell that adoptive mother of yours to be a less sympathetic character; she seems almost benign in some versions of the tale. We can't have that."

Rapunzel at first tried to make a silent nod, but her enormous hairstyle threatened to tip her over when she moved her head. So she just said, "Yes, Mother, I'll remember." Mother Lilia moved on to the next character. 

"Ah, Jack. Still outsmarting that giant?"

"Yes'm," replied the skinny, impish boy, and he squirmed as Mother Lilia beamed her approval. 

Moving on, Lilia said, "Who's next? Ah, yes, Cinderella." Mother Lilia merely glanced at the girl's face and then diverted her eyes to her footwear; she gasped. 

"What's this—_fur slippers?_ Where in the world did you get those? Exchange them for your glass slippers at once!"

Cinderella opened her mouth to protest: "Mother Lilia, in my original tale—"

"Original tale, my foot! The glass slippers are an essential fantasy element to the story. And what would little girls think if you were to walk around in dead animal skins? It would look as though you endorsed animal cruelty. Also, please remind your step-sisters that mutilating oneself in order to seem beautiful is _not_ accepted in the modern human world; that element of the "original" tale makes all you girls look barbaric," Mother Lilia said, putting a sneering emphasis on the syllables of "original."

Cinderella's shoulders dropped and she sighed with resignation. "Yes, Mother, I'll do that."

"How about those glass slippers, then?" Lilia said as she pulled her magic wand from her sleeve; she gestured briefly at the ground and a pair of exquisite glass pumps appeared. Hapless Cinderella stepped forward with poorly-concealed reluctance, and having removed her comfortable fur-lined flats, she stepped into the pumps with a painful grimace and returned to her place in the line. Satisfied, Mother Lilia nodded decisively and stepped forward. 

"Puss in Boots," she said, "Always a pleasure to have you here." 

"And it's puuuurrrrrr-fect to be here, if I may say so," the bipedal, boot-wearing tomcat crooned. 

"Te-he, witty as always, I see. Now, Snow White, I—"

"We're here, we're here, Mother Lilia!" two small, chirpy voices interrupted; it was Hansel and Gretel, finally arriving and looking very flushed and embarrassed indeed. They made their stumbling way directly up to Mother Lilia and began making their apologies: "we lost our way in the Deep Dark Forest, Mother Lilia; anyone could get lost in there. It's just so dark—"

"Yes, dear children, yes, yes. I know. Please take your place at the end of the line. I have some things to discuss with you two before your story is put on little Hannah's shelf. Now," Lilia continued, turning to Snow White as Hansel and Gretel shuffled over to the far end of the line, "Snow White, you seem to give into temptation easily, so—"

"**HOLD IT**!" came another voice, making all the assembled characters start. 

"What now!" Lilia demanded, looking for the interrupter. "Why must I be constantly interrupted?" 

"Because you're going about this all wrong!" said the disembodied voice, and suddenly Mother Lilia recognized it; she stiffened. She turned slowly to her left, and there stood her antithesis, Fairy Tale Godmother Gertrude. Lilia faced her coldly. 

"Gertrude," she intoned.

"Lilia," the other Godmother said lightly back. 

"Gertrude, I hope you don't intend to _interfere_ with Hannah's fairy tale collection," Lilia said meaningfully, because she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that _interfering _was exactly what Mother Gertrude intended to do. 

"Oh, that's precisely what I hope to do. I have Hannah's best interests in mind!" Gertrude said haughtily. "Now, if you'll excuse me: Girls, please take your places!" 

And then, Mother Lilia's greatest fears materialized—literally. From behind Mother Gertrude, there appeared ten young women who all lined up to face Rapunzel, Jack, Cinderella, and the other characters; these were Mother Gertrude's chosen fairy tale characters. 

"What _is_ the meaning of this?" Lilia hissed, her color rising rapidly. 

"I'm going to show you what fairy tales little girls _really_ need to have in their collections, just like I showed Mother Priscilla last week. You've carried your patriarchy-ridden story policy too long. I will NOT stand by while you poison children with your sexist ideology and cause them to believe that all women are either pristine princesses or wicked witches!" Mother Gertrude said. The pause that followed was stiff with anticipation, until Sleeping Beauty, who was standing near the end of Mother Lilia's line, said, "You mean they're not?"

"See, see?" a disheveled girl in Mother Gertrude's line called out, "They're all deluded! Let's wale on them!"

"Steady, Tatterhood," Gertrude chided, "fighting will not be necessary. Let us instead make a few neutral comparisons. Mother Lilia, witness, if you would, Maid Maleen."

The first girl in Mother Gertrude's line of characters—the character who stood directly opposite Mother Lilia's Rapunzel—made a little curtsey and then stared resolutely ahead, her pretty face set with careful dignity. Gertrude continued to speak.

"The tale of Maid Maleen is important for young girls to hear because, in the beginning of the tale, she makes a point of choosing her own husband—this shows that she has initiative and can think for herself. She is punished for being so free-thinking, however, by being imprisoned in a tower for seven years." At these words, both Rapunzel and Mother Lilia tensed, but Mother Gertrude took no notice. "She showed her personal resolve by waiting out the punishment patiently, but when no one came to free her after the seven years, she carved a hole in the tower wall using only a bread knife and was able to set herself free."

Here, Lilia had to protest: "This is a personal attack! You're tearing down my beautiful Rapunzel just because she was naïve and didn't think to escape from her own tower! Leave at once; I'll not hear any more of your insults!" 

"You can make this a personal attack if you want," Gertrude said with a warning edge to her voice, "But I am merely pointing out the obvious. Rapunzel, at least in the modern retellings, doesn't have enough common sense to fill a teaspoon; she never even thinks of escaping before the handsome prince arrives, and even after that, she comes up with a ridiculously inefficient plan in order to escape the tower, completely ignoring the fact that her own hair might be used as a rope!"

At this point, every single person assembled turned to look at Rapunzel. The long-haired princess looked as though she wanted to hang her head in shame, but she couldn't tilt her over-burdened head without toppling her whole body; instead, she had pressed her palms to her face to hide any embarrassed tears she may or may not have been shedding. 

"Oh, _please_ stop this!" pleaded a pretty brunette in Lilia's line; it was Beauty, of _Beauty and the Beast_. Her pouty lips were quivering in sympathy for her fellow character. "She didn't tale a lot of initiative, but that's how she was raised!"

"No offense, but how much initiative did _you_ take, Beauty?" asked the young woman who stood opposite Beauty. This woman had no given name, but Mother Gertrude addressed her as Bride, for in the tale _East of the Sun and West of the Moon_, she became the bride of a bear. Beauty did not seem to know how to answer; her lips just quivered a little more visibly. 

"As far as I remember," Bride continued, "You didn't make any choices for yourself in your tale, or do much of anything. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you just amused yourself in the Beast's castle for a month until the handsome prince in your dreams reminded you to love your beastly host. And then you lived happily ever after. What kind of a story is that?"

"This is exactly my point," Mother Gertrude said. "You, Lilia, choose the most conventional and sexist tales possible, when there are plenty of alternative tales that teach girls, and boys for that matter, much more valuable lessons! I chose Bride as a foil for Beauty because she, too, has an animal bridegroom who is really an enchanted prince. When she loses her bridegroom, however, she sets out to find him and is forced to travel past the ends of the world, where she is greeted with yet more challenges that she must overcome. And overcome she does; as a result, she gets to marry a handsome prince and live happily ever after. Now, don't you think that makes for a much better story?"

"This is stupid!" Jack suddenly called out; everyone's eyes turned to him. "A lot of _us_ made good choices in our stories, and worked hard to boot!" 

"_You_ worked hard?" cried the girl who was obviously meant to be Jack's foil. Short and solid, she had high red cheeks and a strong jaw, and her anger was plainly visible of her face; she was Molly Whuppie, a Scottish character who had seen a bit of everything in her tale. "What did you do that was so great, huh? I've read your story, and you got rewarded for being lucky and opportunistic. All you did was climb up a beanstalk and steal treasure from a giant while he was asleep. I'll tell you what hard work is: I was dumped in the middle of a forest with my two sisters when our family got too large, and we came to the house of a giant who wanted to eat us. I saw through his plan and tricked him, and he ended up feasting on his own children rather than me and my sisters. After we escaped from the giant's house, a king said he would reward us if I brought back a sword, a bag of gold, and a ring from the giant's house. I had to make three trips, but I outwitted the giant each time, escaped from the house, and made my getaway by crossing a gorge on a bridge made of a single hair. And me and my two sisters married the king's three sons. _That's_ hard work. I bet none of you punks can beat that!"

At this, any semblance of order that the gathering had maintained immediately dissolved. The two lines collapsed as the foil characters surged forward in order to make their cases, some more violently than others. 

Hansel and Gretel found themselves facing an older girl they didn't know, who was accompanied by a young deer. 

"Well. . ." Gretel said, "I think we're supposed to be arguing, or something."

"Yeah," replied the deer, "And I think we're supposed to be proving that the girl characters on our side are better than the ones on your side. . . for some reason." 

"Uh, okay. So, what did you do in your story? Actually, wait a minute. Who are you guys, anyway?" Hansel said. 

"We're the Grimms' _Brother and Sister_," the sister replied. "Our stepmother is an evil witch, and she abandoned us in the woods. Then she turned Brother into a deer, and I had to make a home for us in the forest and take care of Brother. I eventually got to marry a king, but our wicked stepmother came back and tried to ruin everything for us. Long story short, I got the better of her, she was executed, and Brother turned back to normal. He's just using his deer form right now for effect."

"Wow, cool!" Hansel said. "We have a wicked stepmother too. And there was a wicked witch in our tale. And we outsmarted her, too. This is neat! I never knew you guys even existed!"

"Well, I guess there's not much to argue about, then," Brother said. "Let's sit down over there."

-

Little Red Riding Hood was much annoyed to be confronted with a girl who looked almost exactly like herself. The only difference was that the other girl was wearing a red velvet cap instead of a hooded cloak. 

"Well, what's the deal with you?" Riding Hood challenged.

"What's the deal with _you_?" Red Cap retorted. "Can't save yourself without a noble woodcutter?"

"Shut up! Didn't you need to be rescued too?"

"Hell, no! In the original version of the tale—that is, MINE—I escape on my own and get to kill the wolf; the woodcutter thing was added later."

"That doesn't make any sense; why would they add something like that?"

"Because the Grimms were obsessed with patriarchy! They needed to have a strong male character in all of their stories; therefore, your version is corrupt. Mine is better."

"Why don't you just stop talking now? This is dumb. And why are you wearing a cap?"

-

Kate Crackernuts was a very no-nonsense kind of person. Still, when she found herself facing the eldest princess from the Grimms' _The Twelve Dancing Princesses_, she wasn't sure exactly what she was supposed to argue. 

"Um, I don't think we actually have much to argue about here. We're both princesses, and both of our tales involve solving the mysteries behind enchanted dances, but we can't really compare each other, because our roles are reversed," Kate said.

"You're right; I was the one doing the dancing, and you were the one doing the rescuing. I understand that you got to marry the prince you saved, and healed your sick sister as well?" 

"That's right; the end of your tale wasn't quite as happy. But, shall we just say that our tales are equally valid and call it a day?"

"That's fine with me. I guess we'll just have to wait for everyone else to stop fighting."

-

While some of the characters were reconciling peacefully with each other, Molly Whuppie and Jack continued to battle it out; their argument eventually turned to blows, but no one really noticed.

Cinderella wasn't in the best of moods (uncomfortable shoes can do that to anyone). When she found herself confronted with a strange young woman who was dressed only in a greasy animal skin, however, she was more confused than angry. The other girl was the first to speak.

"I don't know if you've heard this, but we're both from 'persecuted heroine' kinds of tales. Except mine is a lot dirtier than yours."

"I highly doubt that. My original tale is very violent and dark, but Mother Lilia insists on an edited version," Cinderella replied.

"Yeah, my tale usually gets a hack-job too. You see, I'm Donkeyskin. I'm a princess, but my crazy father wanted to marry me. I tried to put off the marriage by asking for impossible wedding presents, but he managed to give me all the strange things I asked for. Then I ran away. I did some menial labor, got noticed by a prince, and then had to prove my identity by fitting my finger into a ring," the greasy princess said, and showed Cinderella the emerald ring on her extremely dainty finger.

"Oh, just like me and my fur shoe; I mean, glass slipper," Cinderella said, looking disdainfully at her impractical footwear. "Stupid translators."

-

Sleeping Beauty was lovely, virtuous, and naïve. Tatterhood was boisterous, dirty, and bold. The two were eyeing each other contemptuously, opposites in every sense of the word. 

"So. . . you think you're better than me just because you're passive and charming?" Tatterhood asked sarcastically.

"You think you're better than me just because you're a filthy hussy?" Sleeping Beauty shot back. 

"Hussy? I bet you don't even know the meaning of that word. And I was only called that in the Victorian era, which is also known as the 'no strong women allowed' era. At least by me."

"It's just as well; what would young girls think if they had you as a role model? They'd go around smashing people over the head and looking for danger."

"Better they have me as a role model than you! When girls have you as a role model, they probably think the best way to get a boyfriend is to be dead!"

"That's not true!"

"Oh yeah? Prove it!"

"I don't have to."

"I dare you."

"Forget it."

"Double dare you!"

-

Rapunzel didn't have the heart for a fight. Maid Maleen had no ill feelings either. The two tower-maidens just sat back and watched the other goings-on. In the end, although one had been forced to subsist on raw nettles, the other had been forced to live in a desert; their personal strength showed, though in different ways. And they were both content with that. 

Snow White didn't really see what all the fuss was about. Burd Janet, however, did. The latter sized up her opponent before she spoke. 

"I'm not trying to be mean, but there are some acute stereotypes in your tale," she said.

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Snow White answered.

"You're the heroine, and you're passive, domestic, and innocent. Your stepmother is a cruel, contemptuous witch. She's the only active character in the story, and she's vilified. What does that say to the reader?"

"I don't know. I'm only seven," Snow White said, shrugging. 

"The point I'm trying to make here—in fact, the point that Mother Gertrude and everyone else here is trying to make—is that not all heroines need to be so passive. You just take what's coming to you, with no questions. I take an active role in my story, by saving someone I care about. I think girls need to read about traits like these, too."

"I dunno. You're probably right."

-

Puss in Boots was curious about the young woman who had been paired with him. She apparently had less of a reason to be curious, however, because when she approached she said,

"Hello Puss; I just wanted to say that I think your story is great!"

"Why, thank you," Puss said, touching his hat. "I'm afraid I'm at a disadvantage, however; I don't know your tale."

"Oh, I'm the sister of the lass who went out at the cry of dawn. One morning, my sister went outside to wash her face and didn't come back. I rescued her from an evil wizard with a bit of creativity and a little gold and silver, and then we both got to marry princes who had been in disguise."

"How interesting! I shall have to read the whole tale some time!" Puss exclaimed. 

"I'd be delighted if you did! So, can we call each other friends?"

"We certainly can," Puss said, and held out his paw. The young lass shook it, and then the girl and the cat turned to examine the general scene before them.

-

Like Rapunzel and Maid Maleen, Beauty and Bride didn't see any need to fight. 

"You really don't think badly of me, do you?" Beauty asked anxiously.

"No, not at all. I was just pointing out one of differences between the stories Mother Lilia likes and the stories Mother Gertrude likes. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Oh, that's a relief! Now, I wonder if Mother Lilia's going to come around. . ."

-

By this time, however, the two Fairy Tale Godmothers hadn't come around; they were arguing as fiercely as some of their respective fairy tale characters, and their argument was equally fruitless. 

"You see everything in black and white! The whole world does not fit your dichotomous illusion!" Mother Gertrude yelled, her face flushed with rage. 

"What do you mean, _I_ see everything in black and white? You're writing off all of my tales just because they don't fit _your_ ideals! I think you need to brush up on your Carol Adams!" Mother Lilia yelled back.

"How _**dare**_ you!" If Gertrude's face had been flushed before, it was now quite purple. "I'll show you the superiority of my tales right. . ."

Gertrude may have been planning to finish her sentence with "now," but it was at this point that she turned her head and saw what was actually going on between the two sets of characters; Mother Lilia looked too. 

What they saw confused them; the only characters who were still fighting were Molly Whuppie and Jack. All of the other pairs were standing or sitting placidly, facing their godmothers as if waiting for further instructions; Red Riding Hood and Red Cap had long since turned their backs on each other in frustration, and Tatterhood had ceased to enjoy daring Sleeping Beauty. When they sensed that all eyes were on them, Molly and Jack noticed the lack of fighting and fell back as well. 

The two Godmothers were at a loss for words. After a long and awkward moment, Mother Gertrude tried to venture a statement, but all that came out was, "Well. . ."

Luckily, Donkeyskin, still standing next to Cinderella, piped up. "Don't you see how silly this is?" she said, addressing both Godmothers. 

"Yes, this is pointless," Rapunzel volunteered, having recovered from the embarrassment brought on by the earlier attack. 

"It's impossible to 'prove' that one story is better than another; if we tried to do that, we'd be wasting our time," Puss in Boots said, while the lass next to him nodded in agreement. 

"Can't we just say that all of our stories are equally valid and leave it at that?" Sister said, and her brother as well as Hansel and Gretel murmured their assent.

"Well, I wouldn't say 'equally' valid. . ." Tatterhood began, throwing a meaningful glance at Sleeping Beauty. 

"But valid nonetheless," said Kate Crackernuts. 

"In the end, we're all just stories, and all stories have lessons," said Beauty. 

"Even though the kinds of morals that our stories teach may be different. . ." Burd Janet began.

"Very different. . ." Red Riding Hood interjected. 

". . .They're still morals," Jack finished. 

This was followed by a general murmur of "yes, it's true; we all teach valuable morals; we all deserve a place on the shelf. . ." All of the characters looked expectantly at Gertrude and Lilia; the Godmothers, in turn, looked at each other. 

"Gertrude," Lilia said.

"Lilia," Gertrude replied. Looking at each other, the two Godmothers came to a silent agreement and nodded decisively. 

"Shall we all go together, then?" Lilia asked.

"Yes, let's do that," Gertrude said, and turned to address the characters one last time. "It looks like you're all going to Hannah's shelf!"

The assembled characters cheered; then, they all stood shoulder-to-shoulder and linked hands. Mother Lilia, standing behind them, said, "Ready, set, leap!"

And the characters leapt; as they did so, the Godmothers used their magic wands to convert the characters to their storybook forms, and all of the storybooks fell neatly on the shelf of Hannah Josianne Krizinsky. 

And so it was that little Hannah got to read about the best of both worlds; she admired the pretty and innocent princesses as much as the brave and plucky heroines, and learned valuable lessons from both. Thus, our tale comes to a happy conclusion. And a politically correct one at that. 

THE END

Author's notes:

If you don't know who Carol Adams is, don't worry. If you're interested in feminist theory or discussions of dichotomous worldviews, you may want to do a Google search on her. The essay from which I learned of her appeared in the text _A Communion of Subjects: Animals in Science, Religion, and Ethics_. 

Mother Gertrude is NOT named after Gertrude Stein. Stop asking. 

If you're unfamiliar with many of the fairy tales mentioned in this story, you're not alone. Many of them appear (with excellent annotations) on the surlunefairytales website. Others can be found in the books _The Serpent Slayer and Other Stories of Strong Women_, _Tatterhood and Other Tales_, and _Womenfolk and Fairy Tales_. These are excellent books that collect folk and fairy tales with strong heroines (there are others as well). You may want to check them out regardless of your opinions towards traditional fairy tales; they're a lot of fun!

If I get some good feedback on this story, I may write a follow-up of sorts; let me know if you're interested! 


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